Monday, May 18, 2009

That didn't sound like it went to well!

These are my 3 BEAUTIFUL children! I may be bais but I believe & my husband would say the same that they are the best kids on earth. Not only that but they are the most talented in all that they do but they do work HARD at their dreams & talents.

Last night Eliza was helping Nate & I fix dinner & asked me a question in a very manner as to say you already did it. I answered back defensively & then Taylor got into it then went to his room mad so I went into talk to him then Eliza was yelling & upset so Nate was talking to her & my sweet McKay was singing silly songs in the background to try & get someone to start laughing.

After I worked things out with Taylor & Nate couldn't get anywhere with our pre-teen hormonal daughter she went to her room & slammed the door. Taylor had begun singing with McKay & they were both laughing more than singing & Nate & I were ready to yell SHUT-UP but never would use that kind of launge in our home so we both kept it to ourselves. I went in to Eliza's room to "talk" to her but pretty much like I always do I ordered her to do this & that & walked out & sat at the table to have the prayer. Nate said well that didn't sound like it went to well.
That's kind of been my theme as a mom: "That didn't sound like it went to well!"
Life as a mom has been much harder for me than I ever thought it would be. I lived with a family as a nanny for a year & a half before Nate & I got married & so I thought I had motherhood down great. I had grown up with a great mom & felt I had been well trained by this mother of the family that I nannied for. Things went well for periods of time & then I hated it & then they would go well. Doesn't sound like it was going so well.
Right after Eliza turned 7 I was addmitted to LDS for a suicide attempt & remained in the hospital for 2 weeks. I didn't see my kids for the whole time. It was very difficult. But it was a good timeout for me. What wasn't good was the diagnose that came with it: BIPOLAR! I knew life finally made sense to me for how I was feeling since I was about 12 but I knew this road was going to be long & rocky & at times closely resemble Hell. All I could think about was this doesn't sound good for a mother or for my children or my husband. But we slowly started preparing to tell our kids. "It didn't sound like it went too well." was my though after telling them. McKay as young as he was at 4 didn't want anyone to know. But while being in the hospital I had made the choice that if I had to walk this trail I would not walk it silently. I would walk it with a voice to teach others. That burned me for along time but I don't care. I am just sorry that others had to judge.
Nate had the pleasure of telling his family & it also didn't sound like it went too well. 5 years later & I am still just a BiPolar freak even with the education he tried doing. I understand why McKay in his wise 4 years pleaded not to tell anyone.
It is through the sounds of my children's footsteps that all sounds well in my heart. As a mother it has been a very guilty feeling knowing that I am trying these spirits that doesn't seem fair. I wonder how much I am screwing up their lives each day . When I thought I was so prepared to be this outstanding mother & yet I was tackeled by a running back who seemed to come from another field. It's as if my children can do up downs all day & hit the pads as hard as they can. They can run the hill 50 times a day & no matter what they will never be prepared for that running back to come out of nowhere. We have days that no matter what even though I'm on my meds & doing all I can here I come that running back & score when my kids aren't expecting. But my touchdown is a "episode" that can be 6 days or 6 weeks. And there is no victory dance. And when my kids get home from the game everyone says "It didn't sound like it went too well." And their right it didn't. That's what it is like living with a mom who has BiPolar.
God speed to a diease that at this time has no cure. To all those mothers struggling & all the children struggling with mothers. Keep praying & do all you can to make it better.


Laura said...

Thanks for being so open Leah. I think this helps me as a mother. You are so amazing, always so involved with your children and that is so impressive. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you or your family, however, I see you as a rock in the gospel and that is a HUGE example to your children. Look at the positive, you have a lot of it!

go mom go said...

Wow! I can look back on growing up and see this!
You ARE a rock in the gospel! Keep strong.